I learned from my wife that in Mandarin, the word "change" could be applied in a number of ways. To change an item in a store for instance, "change" would be denoted as "huan" (pronounced as "one" with an "h" in the beginning). To denote "life change," the word "p'ien hua" would be applied (pronounced as pee-yen-hwa).
Life throws many unpredictable curve balls at us. Day-in, day-out, choices are made which we hope result to a favorable outcome. Many will be trecking to the fortune tellers in Quiapo this coming Good Friday with the belief that this would be the optimum time to find out what the future holds in store.
This Holy Week, I was presented with a decision point that would greatly affect me and my family. I couldn't help but look back at my past during Holy Week in 1993 when as a member of a religious Order, I had to make a decision whether to stay on as a Brother or move out of the Order. It was a p'ien hua moment. I prayed and prayed so hard hoping that like the experiences of the saints of old, Divine intervention would somehow tell me what to do, which choice to make.
Well, I'm certainly no saint so maybe that's why there were no flashes of lightning, no loud booming voice from the skies, or mystical apparitions. There was only painful silence...
Heck, spin the bottle at least produces a clear result. So I wrote on several separate sheets of paper the words, "GO" and "No-Go." I placed these alternately on the floor forming a circle with the bottle in the center. I then spun the bottle and....well, the Creator has a strange sense of humor. The pointed end of the bottle came to point between two sheets. I spun it again and the bottle this time came to rest on "No-Go."
"Oh wow," I said to myself. Somehow the decision weighed heavily on me -- I didn't like it. So I spun the bottle again and this time it was "Go" I wasn't happy about that either so I said to myself, "ok now for the tie-breaker, this is it!" I spun the bottle and the decision was "No-Go" Now, I could have spun that bottle the whole day with alternating thoughts and feelings with each outcome, and this entire episode would simply have been an interesting statistical exercise on the probability of how many times a particular outcome would come about. I realized then that as in all things, the decision had to be made by me, with the corresponding conditions or consequences that go with it. Not God, certainly not the bottle, that decision lies with me.
I did remember what one Brother told me when I shared with him the pain regarding the choice I had to make. He said, "whatever decision you make, God will be with you in that choice. All you need to do is make that decision with the eyes of faith."
"Eyes of faith" meant not just praying about it but also drawing from one's personal experiences, consulting others, gathering as much information as possible and then making a decision after putting all of these points together. The journey can only start when one decides to participate in it by taking a step. Whether the step is to the right or to the left, forward or backward, one has to decide. What lies at the end of a particular road may not be clear but at least I would be moving in a particular direction. I would have established a "beginning" after weighing all of the factors. My focus would now be in enjoying the journey that this choice has to offer.
And so I left the Order and now 17 years later I look back at the path I've traveled and boy, it's been an interesting ride. Sometimes bumpy, sometimes smooth; I've also met a lot of wonderful (and not so great) people in this journey. And yes, there were times when I strongly felt that God was with me in this journey, and I also went through times where I felt He wasn't there at all. It was the latter moments when I admit, I have questioned whether there is a God at all...
And today, I come again to a new cross-road in my journey. Which road will it be, hmmmmm. Spin the bottle time, ha! ha! ha! Scriptures always point out that after the crucifixion comes the resurrection. Easter Monday will bring with me the consequences of my choice. And just like the choice I made 17 years ago, there is at least one thing I can be sure about -- it's going to be an interesting journey.
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